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APOLOGY 


The  letters  that  appear  on  the  follow- 
ing pages  were  designated  "Neighbor- 
hood Letters"  at  the  time  they  were 
written,  and  were  intended  solely  for 
the  perusal  and  possible  amusement  of 
a  number  of  friends  and  neighbors  of 
the  writer,  most  of  whom  had  made  the 
European  tour  and  were  familiar  with 
the  scenes  and  objects  referred  to.  The 
letters  bore  no  address,  but  each  con- 
tained a  request  that  it  be  passed  around 
among  mutual  friends,  thus  necessitat- 
ing the  least  possible  exertion  on  the 
part  of  a  lazy  correspondent. 

I  make  this  explanation  on  account 
of  the  familiar  tone  and  somewhat  flip- 
pant style  of  the  communications,  which 
I  hope  will  not  be  regarded  by  anyone 
as  an  indication  that  I  did  not  take  some 
note  of,  and  interest  in,  the  many  se- 
rious things  to  be  seen  abroad.  These, 

3 

745198 


However,  have  been  so  often  described 
~by  worthier  and  more  able  pens  that  I 
did  not  attempt  to  add  anything  to 
the  present  store  of  knowledge  regard- 
ing such  matters. 

Since  my  return  the  recipients  of  the 
letters  have  spoken  of  them  in  the  most 
flattering  manner  and  urged  their  pres- 
ervation in  some  form;  which  is  my  ex- 
cuse for  embalming  them  in  type. 

G.  F.  B. 

San  Francisco,  August  30,  1912 


AN  BORD 

DES  DAMPFERS  "HAMBURG/- 
DEN 6  APRIL,  1912. 

Note  above  how  I  speak  German  already 
yet  vunce,  and  only  two  days  out. 

Well,  we  are  just  loafing  along.  Fine 
day  when  we  left  New  York.  Rained  a 
little  yesterday  and  last  night,  but  no  sea 
yet  to  speak  of.  There  is  a  horse,  also  a 
camel,  on  board.  I  have  ridden  them  both 
this  morning,  had  my  liver  massaged  and 
my  cervical  vertebrae  manicured  by  an  un- 
feeling and  brutal  electrical  apparatus; 
and  now  me  for  the  "Herren  Bad." 

The  beer  on  board  is  good,  and  both 
this  and  the  "Rrheinwein"  appear  to  be 
the  real  thing.  The  steward  (who,  by  the 
way  looks  like  the  Kaiser),  is  going  to 
give  us  a  special  luncheon  today,  so  I 
suppose  we  shall  have  wiener  schnitzel, 
kalbsnier  en-bra  ten,  kartoffel  kloese  and 
then  some. 

Only  about  1 50  first-class  passengers 
on  board.  The  crowd  in  the  steerage 
gives  us  a  foretaste  (also  a  foresmell)  of 
Italy.  They  are  pretty  thick,  but  not 
otherwise  pretty. 


AFTER  LUNCHEON 

Or  rather  after  "Gabelfriihst&k."  which  we  End 
is  the  same  thing. 

Well,  I  made  a  poor  guess;  what  we 
really  had  was  gefliigel  kraftbriihe,  ge- 
backene,  ochsenzunge  und  pflaumenkom- 
pott."  Now,  you  guess. 

If  my  handwriting  looks  strange  and 
unfamiliar  to  you,  please  remember  the 
things  I  have  to  eat;  also  that  this  is  my 
German  hand. 


TWO  DAYS  LATER 

Some  of  those  things  he  ate  put  little 
Willie  on  the  blink.  Think  I  must  have 
swallowed  one  of  those  German  words 
without  trimming  off  the  corners  and 
couldn't  digest  it.  All  right  now. 

Say,  but  there  is  a  lot  of  water  between 
New  York  and  Naples — just  water  and 
sky !  Rolled  a  bit  yesterday  and  we  didn't 
care  for  our  Easter  dinner,  thank  you. 
Never  mind  why. 


SOME  LATER 

Just  exchanged  some  real  money  with 
the  purser  for  Italian  currency.  I  never 
before  had  such  a  quantity  of  money. 
The  size  of  the  sheet  on  which  it  is  printed 
corresponds  to  the  denomination  of  the 
bill,  and  so  a  hundred  "lire"  note  is  ten 
times  the  size  of  a  ten  lire  note.  This  is 
surely  frenzied  finance.  You  ought  to 
see  me.  I  look  as  though  I  were  carrying 
around  a  Sunday  morning  newspaper  in 
my  inside  pocket. 

LATER  STILL 
Any  old  day — Doesn't  matter. 

Just  water  and  sky  still.  Passed  the 
Azores  a  few  days  ago  and  expect  to 
make  Gibraltar  after  a  while,  where  I 
shall  mail  this  and  perhaps  you  can  tell 
by  the  stamp  what  date  it  is. 

P.  S. — The  lady  is  doing  the  dolce  far 
niente  act  this  morning.  That  is  Ger- 
man (Yes?  No?)  for  lying  in  bed  and 
taking  a  little  orange  juice  and  a  cup  of 
bum  coffee. 


ROME 

APRIL  23rd. 

Having  now  been  in  Europe  a  whole 
week  I  naturally  feel  qualified  to  write 
my  impressions  of  the  country  and  the 
people — especially  the  latter — after  hav- 
ing rubbed  elbows  with  several  puissant 
Knights  of  the  Order  of  the  Garlic  and 
a  few  of  the  Little  Sisters  of  the  Society  of 
the  Green  Onion.  I  have  listened  to  the 
cry  of  the  cabmen  until  I  think  I  must 
ejaculate  "Ha-a-a!"  in  my  sleep.  I  have 
watched  the  macaroni  jugglers  until  they 
made  me  dizzy,  and  now  I,  too,  eat  it  with 
a  spoon.  I  have  seen  some  roasted  chest- 
nuts from  the  ruins  of  Pompeii  that  were 
nearly  two  thousand  years  old.  (I  had 
previously  heard  some  roasted  chestnuts 
that  I  think  must  have  been  nearly  as 
old). 

I  have  been  told  not  to  drink  the  water 
of  the  country,  and  have  carefully  ob- 
served that  injunction.  I  have  seen 
things  in  the  museums  and  elsewhere 
that  can  be  spoken  of  only  in  Italian; 
and  as  I  have  not  yet  mastered  the  lan- 
guage, I  shall  not  attempt  to  describe 
them.  I  have  seen  some  costumes  at 


this  hotel  that  should  be  worn  only  after 
the  lights  are  out.  I  have  seen  every- 
thing smoke,  from  a  gray-haired  matron 
to  Mount  Vesuvius.  I  have  been  nearly 
drowned  in  the  Blue  Grotto  and  slept 
in  a  Capuchin  monastery.  I  have  eaten 
some  fearful  and  wonderful  dishes  that 
were  not,  however,  nearly  so  bad  as  they 
looked  in  print  or  sounded  when  pro- 
nounced. I  have  learned  to  make  change 
in  the  coin  of  the  realm  so  expertly  that 
I  hardly  think  I  lose  more  than  fifty 
per  cent  of  its  face  value.  I  have  seen 
the  "troubled  Tiber  chafing  with  its 
shores,"  and  think  I  know  what  troubled 
it;  it  is  as  muddy  as  the  Sacramento  and 
not  half  so  majestic ;  so  that,  when  Caesar 
and  Cassius  came  out  after  that  little 
natatorial  exhibition  that  Shakespeare  des- 
cribes, they  must  have  needed  a  real  bath. 
We  have  visited  three  churches  today. 
This  was  quite  a  novelty,  as  I  do  not 
remember  having  been  to  church  before 
for  a  long  time.  Besides,  this  is  getting 
along  quite  swimmingly,  as  we  now  have 
only  372  more  to  do  in  this  town,  so  that 
we  ought  to  finish  by  the  middle  of 
summer  or  early  autumn. 


Seriously,  however,  there  are  many 
things  to  see  here  that  are  intensely  in- 
teresting— in  fact,  the  whole  is  so  stupen- 
dous that  one  is  overwhelmed  in  trying 
to  comprehend  it  all  in  so  short  a  time 
as  we  have  at  our  disposal. 

We  shall  probably  remain  here  a  week 
or  more  longer  and  then  go  to  Florence. 

ROME,  APRIL  28. 

I  don't  see  how  a  devout  Catholic 
ever  gets  through  Italy  at  all.  If  they 
stop  to  bow  before  every  shrine,  every 
altar  and  every  crucifix  it  would  take 
more  than  one  life  time. 

Well,  I  have  now  eaten  so  many 
Christian  science  breakfasts,  or,  "cawn- 
tinental"  breakfasts,  as  the  English  say, 
that  I  don't  think  I  can  ever  look  a  dish 
of  ham  and  eggs  in  the  face  again. 

We  have  a  "concierge"  at  this  hotel 
that  would  make  the  big  Swede  who 
stands  in  front  of  the  St.  Francis  look 
like  small  change.  He  is  such  a  gorgeous 
looking  being  that  I  at  first  thought  he 
must  be  the  Pope  or  the  King;  or  at 
least  the  owner  of  the  hotel,  but  I  offered 
him  some  coins  and  he  refused  them— 
not. 


10 


The  old  Romans  appear  to  have  been 
very  strong  on  baths,  but  some  of  their 
descendants  are  strong  from  the  lack  of 
them. 

I  never  went  to  church  so  much  in 
my  life;  and  all  the  time  we  continue  to 
meet  with  evidence  tending  to  show  that 
most  of  the  old  painters,  priests  and 
popes  knew  a  few  things  besides  their 
prayers.  What  a  busy  time  Brother 
Parkhurst  would  have  over  here!  And 
then  there  are  the  bones  and  skulls  and 
skeletons  that  are  shown  to  one,  and  of 
which  we  have  seen  enough  to  sink  a 
ship.  All  very  interesting,  but,  as  you 
know,  there  is  another  side  to  the  picture; 
and  back  of  all  this  buried  art  and  this 
pomp  and  splendor  of  the  churches  and 
palaces,  there  is  a  vast  multitude  of  the 
descendants  of  the  Caesars  living  here 
today  in  hopeless  poverty,  shameless  ig- 
norance and  utter  destitution.  This  side 
of  the  picture  is  not  pretty;  and  yet  here 
is  a  place  where  nature  has  done  more 
than  her  share  in  providing  the  comforts 
of  man,  and  which,  it  would  seem,  under 
proper  laws,  properly  administered,  ought 
to  be  a  smiling  land  of  plenty.  But  that 
will  do  for  preaching,  even  though  today 
is  Sunday. 

11 


Went  to  Tivoli  and  Frascati  today. 
Fine  ride  and  good  luncheon.  Few  days 
more  here,  then  Florence. 

This  city  is  dead  after  eight  o'clock 
in  the  evening.  Perhaps  that  is  the 
reason  why  we  see  so  many  "remains" 
in  the  day  time. 

ROME,  APRIL  30. 

"Casptta  !  Corpo  di  Bacco  / 
Diavolo  Subito  !  ' 

Oh,  I  am  learning!  The  above  is  what 
I  heard  the  cabman  say  to  his  horse  this 
morning.  I  don't  know  what  it  means, 
and  from  his  actions  I  don't  think  the 
horse  did  either;  but  it  was  a  relief  after 
"Ha-a-a"  and  the  incessant  cracking  of 
whips  at  Naples. 

Among  other  things,  I  have  learned 
that  if  you  want  to  do  any  business  with 
Cook  &  Sons  it  is  best  to  go  around  a 
day  or  two  in  advance  and  prepare  them 
for  the  shock;  then  when  the  day  on 
which  you  want  something  done  arrives, 
get  up  early.  We  nearly  missed  our  train 
at  Naples  by  not  following  this  simple 
plan. 

In  another  letter  I  said  we  had  eaten 
some  queer  dishes.  Well,  there  is  a  Brit- 
isher here  at  the  hotel  who  eats  bacon 


12 


with  mustard  for  breakfast.    I  don't  think 
Italy  has  anything  on  him. 

This  will  be  our  last  full  day  here,  so 
I  must  go  out  now  and  see  if  we  have 
overlooked  anything.  Will  finish  this 
later. 

FLORENCE,  MAY  2. 

Well,  this  is  later  and  we  have  moved. 
It  has  been  raining  a  good  deal  in  sunny 
Italy  of  late.  Of  course,  they  say  it  is 
very  unusual. 

Do  you  remember  the  little  hard  rolls 
they  give  you  everywhere  over  here  for 
breakfast — the  kind  that  you  have  to 
jump  on  with  both  feet  in  order  to 
break  them  open?  It  is  thought  that  they 
are  a  species  of  volcanic  formation 
thrown  up  by  Vesuvius. 

Here  is  something  new:  The  song, 
"Rings  on  my  fingers,  Bells  on  my  toes" 
will  have  to  be  made  to  include  "Gems 
in  my  nose,"  for  we  have  here  a  dusky 
East  Indian  lady  who  wears  a  diamond 
in  her  nose.  Fact;  one  nostril  is  pierced 
and  the  gem  is  perched  up  on  one  side 
of  her  nose.  Looks  real  cute. 

Well,  I  am  just  getting  accustomed  to 
thinking  in  francs,  so  to  speak, — or  lire, 
which  is  the  same  thing — and  when  I 


13 


reflect  that  in  a  few  days  I  must  change 
the  system  and  think  in  marks,  and 
shortly  thereafter  go  back  to  francs,  and 
still  later  pass  to  shillings,  with  a  few 
"kronen"  interspersed,  I  realize  that  it 
will  be  quite  a  severe  strain  on  a  deli- 
cately wrought  intellect  like  mine. 

We  will  now  go  out  and  buy  some 
gloves.  I  am  already  wearing  two  pairs  at 
once  and  if  it  keeps  up  I  shall  soon  be 
wearing  them  night  and  day.  You  know 
they  are  so  cheap,  and  we  cannot  afford 
to  miss  the  opportunity  to  save  money. 

To  the  theater  here  last  night  to  hear 
Puccini's  "Girl  of  the  Golden  West." 
The  music  was  fine,  but  the  rest  of  it 
was  fierce.  The  cowboys,  I  think,  were 
all  from  Naples.  The  horses  they  rode 
were  pre-historic.  The  performance 
lasted  until  after  midnight. 


FLORENCE.  MAY  4. 

When  we  reached  this  place  we  illus- 
trated by  our  actions  the  words  of  a  cer- 
tain "coon"  song.  We  had  been  advised 
to  go  to  the  "Hotel  Grand  Bretagne" 
(sounds  good,  doesn't  it?)  Well,  we 
went ;  but  a  brief  inspection  was  enough ; 


14 


so  "We  walked  right  in  and  we  turned 
around  and  we  walked  right  out  again," 
and  came  here  ("Hotel  Italic"),  where 
everything  is  very  satisfactory. 

The  other  place  must  date  from  the 
fifth  century,  I  think,  but  whether  B.  C. 
or  A.  D.,  would  be  difficult  to  judge. 
We  have  now  grown  so  accustomed  to 
shaking  hands  with  old  dates  that  a  few 
hundred  years  more  or  less  matters  little. 

Struck  a  new  line  of  churches  here. 
Find  that  a  hat  is  almost  a  superfluous 
article  of  wearing  apparel,  as,  being  con- 
stantly in  church,  I  must  carry  it  in  my 
hand  most  of  the  time. 

I  am  afraid  I  shall  get  curvature  of  the 
spine  from  looking  up  at  ceilings  so 
much.  I  wonder  why  they  don't  pro- 
vide a  special  form  of  head  rest  for  this 
sport.  It  would  give  them  one  more 
chance  for  graft,  for,  of  course,  there 
would  be  a  charge.  Also  a  supply  of 
shock  absorbers  would,  I  think,  sell  well 
to  some  of  the  people  going  through  the 
galleries  here. 


VENICE,  MAY  8. 

Here  we  are  in  the  wet  city.  This  is 
getting  strenuous!  I  am  now  so  full  of 
paintings,  statuary,  mosaics,  "lapus  lin- 
gerie," "Tarara"  marble,  Holy  families, 
last  suppers,  pictures  of  the  old  masters, 
(and  some  of  their  old  mistresses),  gon- 
dolas, spaghetti,  Tuscany  wine  and 
guides'  English,  that  I  hardly  remember 
my  own  name. 

Since  coming  here,  have  bought  a  few 
gloves  and  looked  at  some  lace.  Don't 
think  we  shall  remain  here  long;  they  are 
too  fond  of  showing  off  the  tones  of 
their  church  bells  at  night;  and  every- 
thing that  has  a  steam  whistle  betrays 
the  same  weakness.  So  it  is  hardly  a 
"nice  quiet  place"  as  it  once  was. 

I  will  start  this  along  and  as  soon  as 
I  feel  a  little  stronger,  some  days  hence, 
I  will  try  again. 


16 


MILAN,  MAY  II. 

The  whole  Turkish  army  went  down 
the  street  in  front  of  this  hotel  about  two 
o'clock  this  morning,  frantically  pursued 
by  the  entire  population  of  the  place, 
headed  by  the  fire  department,  to  the 
accompaniment  of  all  the  church  bells  of 
the  city.  I  did  not  see  this,  but  I  know 
from  the  noise  they  made  that  that  was 
what  took  place.  Every  few  minutes 
during  the  night  they  kill  a  man  in  the 
street  under  our  windows.  His  death 
cries  are  something  horrible;  at  least,  that 
is  what  it  sounds  like,  although  he  may 
be  only  selling  fish.  Any  nervous  person 
seeking  a  quiet  restful  place  to  stay 
should  select  one  of  these  Italian  cities, 
and  especially  one  where  there  are  plenty 
of  church  bells,  all  of  which  work  over- 
time, and  where  the  silver-throated  (?) 
street  hawker  never  sleeps. 

But,  despite  these  little  drawbacks,  we 
like  this  place.  Came  here  from  Venice 
two  days  ago.  Must  rest  here  long 
enough  to  have  our  wardrobe  and  our 
persons  cleaned  up  a  bit. 


17 


LATER 

Things  are  looking  up.  Had  a  piece 
of  real  ham  for  breakfast  'smorning; 
just  thought  I  would  try  a  change  from 
glucose  and  buns.  By  the  way,  the  staple 
breakfast  food  over  here  appears  to  be 
about  the  only  thing  that  can  defy  the 
tooth  of  time  (and  man).  Bronze, 
marble,  granite  —  all  decay,  but  the 
ubiquitous  hard-shell  biscuit  endures,  and 
bids  fair  to  remain  for  centuries  to  come. 

We  have  been  to  one  more  gallery 
today  and  seen  a  few  more  Last  Suppers, 
a  few  more  Holy  Families  and  a  few 
more  pictures  of  that  human  pin  cushion, 
Saint  Sebastian,  who,  if  he  wore  some- 
thing besides  a  suit  of  arrows,  would 
look  just  like  a  real  lady. 

Of  course,  we  have  visited  the  Cathed- 
ral. It  is  truly  magnificent. 

Think  we  shall  go  to  Nice  tomorrow, 
return  here  a  few  days  later  and  then 
head  northward  toward  the  lakes. 

Everything  O.  K.  thus  far,  only  we 
miss  you  all  very  much. 


18 


MILAN,  MAY  14 

Saw  a  flower  garden  the  other  day  a 
hundred  miles  long — all  the  way  from 
Genoa  to  Nice;  and  all  of  it  bordering 
on  the  blue  Mediterranean.  It  was  very 
beautiful. 

I  suppose  it  would  not  be  nice  not  to 
say  nice  things  about  Nice,  so  I  will 
just  observe  that  we  thought  Nice  a 
nice  place — not  noisy  nor  naughty;  but 
as  for  that  *road-house  a  short  distance 
this  side — oh  well,  I  managed  to  make 
my  expenses  there,  and  then  some. 

Why  didn't  some  of  you  tell  me  that 
the  Italian  railroads  are  mostly  under- 
ground? But  we  do  get  occasional  short 
glimpses  of  the  sky  and  the  landscape. 
Someone  has  compared  it  with  a  trip 
through  a  flute,  looking  out  as  you  pass 
the  holes,  and  that  is  not  bad. 

Nice  is  the  only  city  I  have  ever  seen 
where  everyone  is  in  the  hotel  business 
and  where  all  the  buildings  are  hotels. 
They  say  there  are  about  250  of  them. 

Had  a  letter  from  the  H's  today.  They 
are  just  ahead  of  us  and  I  feel  that  we 
shall  run  across  them  somewhere  before 
long.  I  also  think  we  shall  find  the  L's 
at  Milan. 
*Monte  Carlo. 

19 


Getting  warm.    Why  doesn't  some  one 
write?     Don't  you  like  us  any  more? 


BELLAGIO,  MAY  15. 

At  Monte  Carlo  the  other  day  the 
orchestra  played  "Alexander's  Rag"  and 
"Beautiful  Lady"  in  the  cafe,  and  for  a 
moment  or  two  we  almost  imagined  we 
could  see  the  "entertainers"  walking  up 
and  down  the  room  at  Tait's;  and  at 
this  place  last  night  they  played  "Yip  I 
Addy";  so  you  see  we  are  not  so  very  far 
away. 

As  we  go  northward  the  butter  blos- 
soms grow  smaller  and  smaller.  Of 
course  you  remember  them.  I  suppose 
we  shall  soon  reach  the  zone  where  the 
butter  shrub  does  not  flourish  at  all,  being 
replaced  by  the  Anheuser-Busch,  so  to 
speak.  Oh,  that's  an  awful  joke,  for  it's 
"Pilsner"  that  is  ahead  of  us.  I  think 
someone  must  be  looking  over  my 
shoulder  and  can  stand  this  no  longer, 
for  at  this  point  I  was  rudely  interrupted 
and  dragged  away  to 


20 


STRESA,  MAY  17. 

this  place,  which  is  very  beautiful.  To- 
morrow we  shall  leave  sunny  Italy,  after 
a  stay  of  just  one  month.  Before  going 
I  want  to  say  that  I  think  the  greatest 
institution  in  this  country  (after  the 
Pope)  is  the  Concierge.  He  is  truly  a 
wonder — a  walking  encyclopedia,  guide 
book  and  time  table  all  in  one  volume, 
who  speaks  all  languages  and  knows  all 
things;  a  patient,  polite,  polished  gentle- 
man. I  usually  purchase  one  on  arrival  at 
one  of  these  places.  I  find  I  can  acquire  a 
very  good  article  of  concierge  for  from  one 
to  five  francs,  and  it  is  a  good  paying  in- 
vestment, as  I  can  always  extract  from 
him  a  vast  amount  of  information  that 
is  not  obtainable  elsewhere — or,  if  it  is, 
the  source  is  carefully  concealed.  This 
man  with  the  brass  buttons  and  gold  lace 
will  do  anything  and  everything  for  you 
if  properly  hypnotized  in  advance. 

Next  after  him,  and  of  scarcely  less 
importance,  is  the  gentle  and  faithful 
"facchino."  What  should  we  do  without 
him?  He  is  the  only  person  connected 
with  the  railroads  that  appears  to  care 
a  ,  well,  who  appears  to  care  any- 
thing whatever  for  the  passenger.  True, 


21 


the  paternal  government  which  operates 
the  railroads  has  taken  care  at  every  pos- 
sible opportunity  to  so  arrange  matters  as 
to  make  two  jobs  grow  where  one  grew 
before  for  the  facchino,  but  he  deserves 
all  he  gets,  and  you  may  be  sure  he  gets 
all  he  can. 

Another    interruption — this    time    for 
dinner. 


LUCERNE,  MAY  20. 

There  are  three  places  in  Europe  that 
I  am  going  to  buy  as  soon  as  I  make  one 
more  million.  One  is  Sorrento,  and  this 
place  is  the  other  two.  I  am  thinking  of 
remaining  here  permanently,  but  don't 
see  how  I  can;  so  I  am  just  thinking  of  it. 

I  have  now  trod  in  the  footsteps 
of  Caesar,  stood  on  the  rostrum  where 
Antony  delivered  his  celebrated  funeral 
sermon,  got  a  bad  fall  on  the  bridge 
where  the  sporty  young  Venetians  rated 
honest  old  Shylock  "about  me  monies 
and  me  usances,'*  seen  several  balconies 
any  one  of  which  might  have  served  for 
that  cheap  little  scene  between  Romeo 
and  Juliet,  and  been  photographed  as  one 
of  "Two  Gentlemen  at  Verona";  and 


22 


today,  in  this  region,  I  have  been  to  the 
alleged  birth-place  of  the  great  Swiss  pa- 
triot, where  I  viewed  the  statue  on  the 
gates  of  Altorf,  "which  looks  life,  yet 
neither  breathes  nor  stirs,"  and  find  myself 
wondering  how  much  of  it  all  is  true,  and 
asking—* 'Can  Wm.  Tell?"  :;  ("Hurry 
officer!  He's  all  cut  to  pieces!"). 

We  go  to  Innsbruck  next;  then  I  think 
Munich.  We  are  now  meeting  the  Duke 
of  Limburger  and  Prince  "Pilsner"  quite 
frequently,  and  find  them  very  pleasant 
company. 

We  looked  your  way  and  tried  to  see 
you  all  from  the  summit  of  Rigi. 

Will  somebody  please  write? 


INNSBRUCK,  MAY  22. 

It  must  be  very  discouraging  to  be 
born  a  calf  anywhere  in  Southern  Europe. 
The  poor  creature  never  has  any  prospect 
whatever  of  growing  up  to  a  happy  and 
useful  cowhood,  so  to  speak,  but  is  sure 
to  be  slaughtered  to  provide  the  universal 
veal  that  is  served  everywhere  here  daily 
at  least  twice.  There  is  an  old  saying — 
"Weal,  wine  and  winegar  are  werry  good 
wittles,  I  wow."  Well,  I  can  "wow"  as 


23 


to  the  wine  and  vinegar,  but  as  for  the 
veal,  if  I  never  get  any  again  that  will 
be  soon  enough.  Those  of  you  who  do 
not  eat  veal  must  have  practiced  vege- 
tarianism over  here. 

I  never  heard  that  the  Swiss  are  a 
humorous  people,  but  I  have  proof  that 
they  have  a  highly  developed  sense  of 
humor.  In  the  Schweizerhof  hotel  at  Lu- 
cerne there  was  a  notice  posted  in  all  the 
rooms  to  the  effect  that  guests  are  earn- 
estly requested  not  to  fee  the  employes! 
Now  what  do  you  think  of  that?  I  can 
tell  you  what  the  employes  think  of  it. 
They  don't  think  of  it  at  all;  they  forget 
it. 

We  had  one  of  the  finest  rides  today 
that  we  have  yet  had  anywhere,  from 
Lucerne  through  Zurich  to  this  place. 
It  was  magnificent,  but  I  don't  know  how 
Innsbruck  is  going  to  turn  out;  raining 
tonight. 


24 


MUNICH,  MAY  24. 

I  wonder  why  the  Germans  sleep  under 
their  beds  instead  of  on  them,  as  we  do. 
I  refer  to  the  practice  of  wearing  a 
feather  bed  over  one*s  self  at  night.  I 
wear  mine  on  the  floor. 

This  morning  I  bet  the  head  waiter 
seven  "heller"  against  nine  "pfennig**  that 
eggs  and  coffee  cannot  be  brought  to  the 
table  at  the  same  time.  He  lost,  but  I 
have  not  yet  been  able  to  figure  out  how 
much  he  owes  me.  Really  these  financial 
contortions  as  we  go  from  one  country 
to  another  are  a  great  strain. 

We  arrived  at  this  place  without  inci- 
dent. The  customs  examinations  at  vari- 
ous points  are,  as  you  know,  most  rigid — 
not.  It  is  usually  a  farce ;  in  fact,  if  I  had 
only  had  the  foresight  to  bring  along  a 
piece  of  chalk  I  think  I  could  have  worked 
the  whole  thing  myself  at  most  places. 
The  inspectors  are  generally  content  with 
looking  at  the  outside.  One  fellow  did, 
however,  on  one  occasion  pat  one  of  my 
grips  quite  affectionately;  and  yesterday 
a  bewhiskered  German  in  this  town  re- 
quired me  to  open  a  trunk.  He  then 
feasted  his  eyes  on  an  old  shoe  and  a 
paif  of  "as  is**  corsets,  somewhat  oyer- 

25 


worked.  Next  he  addressed  me  in  what 
I  suppose  were  a  few  well  chosen  words, 
although  to  the  present  time  I  have  not 
the  remotest  idea  what  he  said.  For  all 
I  know  he  may  have  asked  me  if  I  was 
friendly  disposed  toward  the  Kaiser,  or 
how  I  liked  the  beer  of  the  country. 
However,  with  great  presence  of  mind 
I  replied  in  my  choicest  German — "nein," 
whereupon  everything  was  duly  chalked 
and  we  were  allowed  to  proceed.  There 
is  no  telling  what  might  have  happened 

had  I  suddenly  grown  nervous  and  said 
•«        »» 
ten. 

Raining  here  ever  since  we  arrived; 
so,  gallery  'smorning — theatre  'sevening. 
Tomorrow,  if  it  continues  to  rain — Beer. 

MUNICH,  MAY  25. 

Well,  it  did  continue  to  rain.  The 
guide  book  says  that  the  greatest  industry 
of  Munich  (or  Miinchen),  is  the  making 
of  beer.  This  is  wrong.  The  greatest 
industry  of  this  place  is  the  drinking  of 
beer.  Only  a  comparatively  small  num- 
ber of  the  inhabitants  are  engaged  in 
making  the  beer,  while  the  entire  popu- 
lation appears  to  be  busy  from  morning 
till  night — or  rather,  until  the  next  morn- 


26 


ing — at  the  (to  them)  delightful  occu- 
pation of  drinking  it.  No  wonder  the 
guide  book  says  that  the  beer  halls  are 
one  of  the  greatest  sights  of  the  place. 
I  went  to  one  on  a  Saturday  night  that 
was  one  of  the  wettest  sights  I  have  ever 
seen  anywhere — the  famous  Hofbrau- 
haus.  Ach!  *  Don't  Munchen  it!  The 
best  thing  we  found  there  was  the  cab 
that  brought  us  away. 

NUREMBERG,  MAY  28. 

We  arrived  at  this  place  on  what  I 
learned  was  Whit  Sunday.  At  home  I 
should  not  have  known  it  or  cared  a 
whit  about  it,  but  here  it  seems  it  is 
"some"  holiday.  The  city  was  full  of 
strangers;  streets  decorated,  procession, 
etc.  We  got  the  only  remaining  room 
in  this  hotel.  It  is  about  two  by  twice, 
but  I  presume  the  bill  will  be  two  by  three 
times  at  least,  for  they  appear  to  have  a 
wonderfully  good  system  and  nothing 
is  allowed  to  get  away. 

We  have  stopped  buying  gloves  and 
are  now  mostly  shopping  for  laces — out- 
side the  shops,  which  is  a  harmless  and 
inexpensive  pastime. 

27 
*Have  a  (Jernuui  uu^rprdt  this  frkt 


I  said  the  chief  industry  of  Munich  is 
the  drinking  of  beer.  The  chief  industry 
of  this  place  is  the  eating  of  sausages. 
"Ach,  de  sausages!" 

PRAGUE.  MAY  30. 

Did  you  ever  notice  that  when  a  for- 
eigner addresses  you  in  his  native  tongue, 
which  you  understand  no  more  than  a 
cat  would,  all  of  the  customary  signs 
and  head  shakings  that  usually  denote 
that  you  do  not  understand  what  is  being 
said,  have  no  effect  whatever  upon  him? 
He  keeps  right  on  talking  until  he  is  out 
of  breath.  I  have  had  this  experience 
several  times ;  but  now  I  have  a  new  plan. 
When  I  find  that  my  head-shake,  waving 
of  arms  and  legs  and  other  protestations 
are  not  heeded,  I  throw  a  few  phrases 
of  Hawaiian  at  him.  This  always  has 
a  quieting  effect,  and  he  stares  at  me, 
probably  wondering  how  many  kinds  of 

a fool  I  am.  He  has  already  made 

me  feel  like  one  kind. 

There  is  certainly  a  mixture  of  tongues 
here  in  this  quaint  old  city.  There  is  also 
great  hostility  between  the  German  in- 
habitants and  the  Czechs  (pronounced 
Cheks). 

zs 


BERLIN,  JUNE  1. 

I  had  to  pinch  myself  today  to  see  if 
I  were  awake  or  dreaming.  I  seemed  to 
be  on  a  beautiful  green  field,  just  outside 
the  city,  witnessing  a  review  of  25,000 
troops,  in  bright  parade  uniforms,  by  the 
War  Lord  of  the  German  Empire;  and 
sure  enough,  it  was  all  true.  There  was 
the  Kaiser,  right  in  front  of  me,  on  horse- 
back, surrounded  by  a  score  or  two  of 
officers,  all  in  brilliant  uniforms;  and  in 
the  background,  or  rather  all  over  the 
field,  the  troops  themselves — infantry  and 
artillery,  making  a  very  beautiful  and 
striking  picture. 

The  Emperor  is  rather  short  in  stature 
and,  mounted  on  a  small  horse  as  he  was, 
did  not  look  paticularly  fierce  or  warlike. 
We  saw  him  twice  thereafter  on  the  same 
day  and  I  took  a  photograph  of  him. 

They  are  telling  a  very  good  lese 
majeste  story  here  at  the  present  time. 
It  is  said  that  two  citizens  of  the  empire, 
holding  socialistic  views,  were  walking 
along  the  street  one  day,  finding  fault 
with  everything,  criticizing  the  consti- 
tuted authorities  and  in  general  comport- 
ing themselves  in  a  truly  socialistic  man- 
ner. 


Finally  one  of  them  said — "The  Em- 
peror is  an  idiot."  The  remark  was 
overheard  by  a  policeman,  who  touched 
the  speaker  on  the  shoulder  and  informed 
him  that  he  was  under  arrest.  When 
he  demanded  to  know  the  nature  of  his 
offence  the  officer  told  him  that  he  had 
just  heard  him  call  the  Emperor  an  idiot. 

"Oh,  but  wait  a  minute,"  said  the 
other;  "I  was  referring  to  the  Emperor 
of  Russia.**  "Oh  no,**  replied  the  cop, 
"that  will  not  work;  there  is  only  one 
Emperor  who  is  an  idiot;  you  come  with 
me.** 

Hoch  der  Kaiser! 

AMSTERDAM,  JUNE  8. 

Well,  after  seeing  the  Kaiser  three 
times  in  one  day,  visiting  "dear  old 
Heidelberg,*'  and  floating  down  the 
storied  Rhine,  I  don*t  see  how  I  can  ever 
work  again. 

I  don*t  remember  where  I  wrote  from 
last,  but  think  it  was  Berlin.  Since  then 
we  have  been  to  Hamburg,  Frankfort, 
Heidelberg,  Cologne.  If  you  compare 
dates  you  will  see  that  we  are  touching 
only  the  very  high  places.  It  is  begin- 
ning to  get  a  little  wearing  and  we  shall 

30 


be  glad  to  get  to  dear,  quiet,  restful  Paris 
and  take  a  long  breath  (preparatory  to 
starting  in). 

The  predicted  collision  with  the  H's 
took  place  at  Frankfort  a  few  days  ago. 
No  one  was  injured  beyond  a  few  slight 
lip  bruises.  They  were  about  to  leave 
for  Nuremberg. 

The  L's  are  now  back  in  Paris,  so  there 
is  a  possibility  of  another  collision;  also 
we  may  run  across  some  of  our  P.  P.  I. 
E.  Embassadors,  who,  I  notice,  are  visit- 
ing the  crowned  heads  and  the  banquet 
halls  over  here. 

At  this  place  I  encountered  one  more 
money  complication  that  I  had  not 
counted  on.  Here  you  know  it  is  the 
* 'guelder" — equal  to  about  forty-one 
cents  in  real  money.  Oh!  what's  the 
use? 

Prices  are  rather  high  here  and  we 
hear  a  joke  to  the  effect  that  the  pur- 
chasing power  of  a  guelder  is  almost 
equal  to  that  of  a  German  mark — twen- 
ty-four cents;  and  it  is  not  so  much  of 
a  joke,  either. 

Going  out  now  to  do  some  more 
shopping — outside  the  shops. 

Later:      Bought   some   gloves. 


31 


BRUSSELS,  JUNE  12. 

My  word!  But  aren't  the  hotels  all  over 
Europe  proud  of  their  "lifts"?  Down 
in  Italy  they  are  so  anxious  to  have  it 
known  that  they  possess  such  a  con- 
venience that  they  actually  paint  the 
announcement  of  it  upon  the  face  of  the 
rocks  about  Sorrento  and  elsewhere  in 
letters  six  feet  long  or  more.  And  such 
lifts  as  they  are!  They  make  an  Ameri- 
can smile.  They  are  all  of  the  electric 
type  and  many  of  them  will  carry  but 
two  passengers  besides  the  small  boy  who 
operates  them  and  who,  I  have  no  doubt, 
is  selected  for  the  place  on  account  of 
his  light  weight.  But  this  same  boy, 
dressed  in  livery,  with  innumerable  brass 
buttons  and  wearing  a  sort  of  military 
cap,  usually  presents  a  very  smart  ap- 
pearance, and  his  manner  and  bearing  are 
quite  soldierly  as  he  opens  the  awkward 
doors  with  which  all  their  elevators  are 
equipped,  steps  out  and  salutes  as  you 
enter  or  leave  the  cage;  although  his 
eternal  "grazie,"  "bitte"  or,  if  he  hap- 
pens to  know  a  word  of  English,  "pleece" 
gets  on  one's  nerves  after  a  while,  when 
repeated  every  time  an  elevator  door  is 
opened. 

32 


They  also  have  another  curious  cus- 
tom among  servants  over  here,  espec- 
ially hotel  and  restaurant  waiters.  If 
you  ask  one  of  them  to  do  you  some  ser- 
vice, bring  you  some  article  of  food  or  the 
like,  when  he  complies  with  your  request 
he  always  says,  ' Thank  you,'*  leaving 
you  with  nothing  to  say.  This  really 
seems  absurd. 

PARIS,  JUNE  17. 

Here  is  the  dear  old  place  at  last,  with 
the  accent  on  the  dear.  They  seem  rather 
glad  to  see  us,  and  I  suppose  this  feeling 
will  last  as  long  as  the  money  does;  but 
I  will  not  say  much  of  this  feature  after 
Amsterdam,  Rotterdam,  Volendam  and 
the  other  Dutch  cities  with  profane 
names.  The  people  of  those  thrifty 
burgs  are  past  masters  in  the  art  of 
separating  a  man  from  his  money. 

The  weather  here  is  very  cool.  Rained 
fiercely  all  yesterday  forenoon  and  to 
keep  out  of  the  wet  we  went  into  the 
Louvre  and  walked  past  a  few  miles  of 
pictures.  Saw  on  the  walls  many  of  our 
old  friends  of  the  past  two  months: 
Saint  Sebastian  is  still  getting  stuck  at 
every  throw,  so  to  speak,  and  poor  Su- 

33 


sannah  is  still  making  unsuccessful  at- 
tempts to  get  a  bath.  She  has  now  tried 
every  way;  first  in  the  supposed  seclusion 
of  her  boudoir,  where,  apparently,  she 
forgot  to  lock  the  door;  next  in  a  place 
that  looks  like  a  beer  hall  in  the  picture; 
and  finally,  as  you  remember,  was  driven 
into  a  garden,  where  she  made  a  last 
stand  among  the  shrubbery.  But  it  was 
no  use;  the  two  old  "Elders,"  with  their 
scrambled  hair  and  whiskers  were  on 
hand  at  every  turn,  so  that  Susannah, 
who  was  a  shy,  retiring  damsel,  has 
accomplished  nothing  in  the  bathing  line 
up  to  this  stage  except  to  get  her  feet 
washed  and  her  toe-nails  manicured  in 
the  garden  by  a  rather  good  looking 
blonde  handmaiden;  and  now  the  latest 
is  the  picture  where  they  are  trying  the 
girl.  Surely  she  has  had  a  very  trying 
experience.  I  think  the  Elders  should 
have  been  tried,  and  I  doubt  if  Susannah 
was  as  bad  as  she  is  painted.  This,  how- 
ever, is  faint  praise,  for  some  of  her 
pictures  are  awful. 

To  go  back  a  bit;  I  think  you  all  told 
me  that  in  Holland  everyone  speaks 
English.  Well,  perhaps  they  do;  here 
is  a  specimen  I  got  from  the  hotel  con- 
cierge at  Amster in  reply  to  an  in- 

34 


quiry  as  to  the  location  of  a  certain  place: 
(pointing)  "It  is  here  down  before  turn- 
ing to  the  left  and  then  straight  up." 
Lucid,  wasn't  it?  I  adopted  the  only 
safe  course  in  such  cases — took  a  cab. 

PARIS,  JUNE  25. 

The  weather  has  been  hot,  and  little 
Willie,  with  his  accustomed  contrariness, 
has  caught  a  very  bad  cold.  This  morn- 
ing I  could  not  speak.  I  met  a  man  from 
home,  who  asked  "How  are  you?"  but 
I  couldn't  tell  him  except  by  making 
signs.  But  I  know  how  it  happened. 
We  went  to  a  variety  show  Saturday 
night  (and  Sunday  morning),  where  the 
girls  on  the  stage  wore  so  little  clothing 
that  it  gave  me  a  chill.  One  or  two  more 
specimens  like  that  and  I  will  guarantee 
to  go  through  any  gallery  in  Europe  with- 
out blinders. 

"A  street  there  is  in  Paris  famous 
For  which  no  rhyme  our  language  yields. 
Rue  Neuve  Des  Petit  Champs  its  name  is, 
The  new  street  of  the  little  fields." 

Now  that  was  well  enough  for  Thack- 
eray, who  merely  wanted  to  sing  the 
praises  of  a  dish  of  Bouillibaisse  (if  that's 

35 


the  way  to  spell  it),  eaten  in  a  "cabinet 
particular"  in  that  street,  with  pleasant 
company,  but  the  present  atmosphere 
about  here  is  more  suggestive  of  some- 
thing like  the  following: 

A  street  there  is  in  Paris  famous, 
Where  only  millionaires  should  stray; 
Rue  de  la  Pay  its  proper  name  is, 
For  all  who  enter  there  must  pay. 

For  me  the  only  safe  way  to  navigate 
Rue  de  la  Paix  is  to  invest  a  franc  in  a 
cab  and  keep  as  near  the  center  of  the 
street  as  possible. 

Well,  our  stay  here  is  drawing  to  a 
close  and  I  begin  to  realize  that  within 
a  few  days,  or  just  as  I  have  begun 
to  speak  the  language  of  the  coun- 
try (albeit  with  great  difficulty — es- 
pecially for  my  hearers),  and  drink  the 
wine  fluently,  I  must  tear  myself  away 
and  exchange  "thy  cornfields  green  and 
sunny  vines,  oh  pleasant  land  of  France'* 
for  gloomy  England;  exchange  the  shiny 
franc  for  the  grimy  shilling  and  once 
more  adjust  what  remains  of  my  tired 
intellect  to  a  new  system  of  reckoning 
money.  But  there  is  one  comforting 
reflection  in  connection  with  this  feature; 
it  cannot  last  long,  for  the  money  is 
almost  gone. 

36 


My  conclusion  is  that  "gay  Paree"  is 
sadly  in  need  of  having  its  face  washed. 

This  opinion  is  confirmed  by  those  who 
have  been  here  before,  and  the  condition 
is  reluctantly  admitted  by  the  natives. 
And  to  what  do  you  suppose  they  at- 
tribute it?  To  the  Americans,  of  course. 
The  Americans,  they  say,  have  spoiled 
Paris;  but  I  notice  the  Parisians  appear  to 
greatly  enjoy  the  spoiling  process. 

I  have  just  learned  the  rule  for  pro- 
nouncing the  names  of  some  of  these 
French  places.  You  pronounce  the  word 
the  way  you  think  is  wrong  and  you  us- 
ually find  that  you  are  taken  for  a  French- 
man. By  the  way,  if  A-u-t-e-u-i-l  spells 
"Ohtye"  (and  they  say  it  does),  why 
doesn't  O-a-t-m-e-a-l  spell  "Oh  my*'? 
Don't  you  think  I  had  better  come  home 
after  that? 

In  a  former  letter  I  think  I  spoke  of 
noises  in  Italian  cities.  Why,  the  people 
of  those  places  are  mere  amateurs  at  noise 
making  compared  with  the  Parisians. 
The  variety  of  noises  the  latter  produce 
and  their  powers  of  endurance  are  some- 
thing marvelous. 

I  will  conclude  this  series  of  disjointed 
vaporings  in  London,  D.  V. 

37 


LONDON,  JULY  4. 

We  escaped  from  the  boiler  works  (I 
nearly  wrote  broiler — there  were  a  few 
there),  at  noon  on  Saturday,  arriving  here 
same  evening,  via  Calais  and  Dover.  The 
much  dreaded  Channel  was  as  smooth  as 
a  French  waiter's  countenance. 

Up  to  this  point,  while  we  have  seen 
many  intensely  interesting  things,  and 
been  in  many  historical  spots,  yet  the  at- 
mosphere about  such  places  has  seemed 
distinctly  foreign;  but  on  arriving  at  Ca- 
lais and  getting  on  board  a  steamer 
where  you  hear  your  mother  tongue  all 
about  you,  and  see  the  counterpart  of 
familiar  objects  and  methods,  I  believe 
the  average  American  is  likely  to  ex- 
perience a  slight  tightening  of  the  muscles 
of  the  throat  and  a  feeling  that  now  he 
is  among  his  own  kind — at  home,  and 
will  take  an  even  deeper  interest  in  what 
he  sees  about  him,  representing,  as  it 
does,  what  has  been  accomplished 
throughout  the  centuries  by  people  of 
his  own  race. 

As  we  approached  the  English  coast,  I 
noticed  a  somewhat  familiar  looking  ob- 
ject perched  high  upon  the  cliff  in  the  shape 
of  a  bill  board,  and  shortly  thereafter  I 

38 


was  able  to  read  a  familiar  legend  em- 
blazoned thereon,  namely: 

"CARTER'S  LITTLE  LIVER  PILLS." 

Then,  indeed,  did  we  feel  that  we  were 
coming  into  our  own. 

As  it  was  rather  late  before  we  were 
ready  for  dinner  after  arrival,  we  had 
a  steak  and  a  mug  of  stout,  egad,  Sir! 
Thereafter  my  side  whiskers  commenced 
to  grow,  and  now  I  am  going  to  get  a 
square-crowned  hat  and  a  pair  of  top 
boots.  I  already  have  the  red  face,  and, 
alas,  I  fear  I  have  the  embonpoint  to 
complete  the  picture. 

The  next  day  I  took  tea  in  the  "ahftuh- 
neune."  Awfully  jolly — I  don't  think. 

More  pictures  here,  that  simply  must  be 
seen.  All  the  old  friends  here  again.  The 
old  Rubberneck  Brothers  still  spying  on 
Susannah,  and  Saint  Sebastian  still  losing. 

One  more  opportunity  here  to  save 
money  by  buying  gloves.  The  more 
gloves  you  buy,  the  more  money  you  save ; 
at  least,  that  is  the  way  it  sounds. 

The  weather  here  is  rather  "nahsty" — 
raining  a  good  deal  of  the  time  and  cold, 
but  we  manage  to  get  about. 


39 


LONDON.  JULY  10. 

At  home  we  hear  a  great  deal  about 
the  absolute  control  over  street  traffic  ex- 
ercised by  the  London  police.  I  think  this 
is  misleading.  There  is  no  more  inherent 
force  in  a  policeman  of  this  city  than 
there  is  in  "wan  of  the  foinest"  in  New 
York,  or  any  other  large  American  city. 

The  secret  of  the  London  man's  success 
lies  in  the  greater  respect  for  the  law  on 
the  part  of  those  conducting  the  traffic 
than  is  commonly  met  with  in  our  coun- 
try; and  "pity  'tis  'tis  true."  The  out- 
stretched arm  of  the  policeman  here  is 
regarded,  not  as  a  warning,  but  merely 
as  a  guide;  and,  so  far  as  I  can  judge, 
there  is  never  any  attempt  at  evasion,  nor 
any  disposition  to  question  the  holding 
up  of  a  line  of  vehicles  of  all  kinds  a 
block  or  two  in  length.  The  man  who 
gives  the  signal — often  with  his  back 
turned — represents  the  law,  and  that  is 
enough.  The  signal  is  implicitly  obeyed 
without  complaint. 

The  London  policeman  is  not  a  particu- 
larly impressive  looking  individual ;  rather 
the  opposite,  with  his  simple  uniform, 
dearth  of  brass  buttons,  and  absence  of 
any  kind  of  weapon;  but  they  seem  to 

40 


be  very  patient  and  obliging  in  the  matter 
of  answering  questions,  and  also  well  in- 
formed. I  have  not  seen  a  gray-haired 
man  among  them. 

This  town  is  full  of  "those  rude  Ameri- 
cans, you  know"? — also  full  of  rude 
American  dollars,  and  both  appear  to  be 
quite  popular.  Last  night  we  went  to  see 
"The  Pink  Lady,"  done  by  an  American 
company.  During  the  performance  an 
English  lady  sitting  near  us  said  to  her 
companion,  "But  can  you  understand 
what  they  say?"  And  this,  in  spite  of 
the  fact  that  the  English  admit  that  the 
Americans  speak  the  language  better 
than  they  themselves  do. 


LONDON,  JULY  11. 

I  attended  a  session  of  the  House  of 
Commons,  yesterday,  and  also  the  House 
of  Lords.  Saw  Asquith,  Churchill,  Red- 
mond, Lloyd  George,  Austen  Chamber- 
lain and  several  other  heavy  weights. 
Parliament  always  seems  to  have  it  in  for 
the  Irish.  In  the  Commons  they  were  dis- 
cussing the  foot  and  mouth  disease,  which 
recently  broke  out  among  cattle,  they 
claim  in  Ireland,  from  whence  it  was 


41 


brought  into  England,  and  is  causing  quite 
a  stir  here.  The  papers  are  full  of  it  daily; 
and  in  the  Lords  they  were  discussing 
Irish  standard  time;  that  is,  they  were 
attempting  to  have  Ireland  adopt  the 
Greenwich  standard  instead  of  the  Dublin 
which  is  now  used.  You  may  be  sure  there 
was  strong  opposition,  as  there  is  to  most 
measures  proposed  by  England  to  be  ap- 
plied to  Ireland — in  fact,  standard  time  in 
the  Emerald  Isle  would  seem  to  be  a  hard 
time. 

At  first  it  seemed  a  little  strange  to 
hear  these  supposedly  august  bodies  of 
law  makers  legislating  on  such  common- 
place subjects  as  cattle  disease  and  stand- 
ard time,  until  I  reflected  that  here  there 
is  no  inferior  body,  corresponding  to  our 
state  legislature,  hence  parliament  must 
handle  small  as  well  as  great  matters. 

There  doesn't  appear  to  be  much  more 
to  remain  here  for.  The  King  and  Queen 
have  seen  us  twice,  which  ought  to  satisfy 
them;  and  so  we  expect  to  sail  FOR 
HOME  on  the  14th,  from  Southampton. 

And  now,  gentle  reader,  if  I  may  antic- 
ipate the  usual  question — "Are  you  go- 
ing again?"  I  will  answer — Yes,  I  hope 

42 


to  make  the  trip  again  after  I  get  strong 
enough,  z/by  that  time  the  style  of  ladies' 
wearing  apparel  shall  have  changed  to  the 
extent  that  gowns  hook  up  in  front  instead 
of  at  the  back. 


Sorrowfully, 

LITTLE  WILLIE 


43 


745198 


37Z-/ 
/Vf 


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